The Pandemic Dilemma- My boat awaits me❤️

It’s been a while since I wrote and I have been on my own turmoil, I have realised that each time I force myself to write I end up in the middle of nowhere and this made me realise the more I try to plan my life the more I feel stuck in the middle of nowhere, who are these people who have every thing planned and they follow their plans, lead by their dreams? While there are people like us who I am not even sure if have a dream. I would like to be a millionaire soon but I am not very sure if that’s going to make me as happy as I want to be ! Sometimes I think it is all about being content, sometimes I think all I want from my life is to be happy and which majorly comes from smaller things on life like cooking for my family, a good nap, a great song, a good talk with someone that I really vibe with. I often judge myself for picking my laziness over my potentials. I have enough potential to do everything that I put my heart to, but right now I don’t feel like I am ready. I have forced myself to do things in the past and I have just landed myself in the middle of a no clue zone because I was forcing myself time and again. If you know your potential is it always important to act upon it? Like I know I can pick up 10kgs of flour and walk 2miles but should I be doing it all the time or I must do it only when needed? Why is it that the basic rules just suddenly change in life and in your head? My therapist said do what comes to you effortlessly but isn’t it only going to be laziness alone? I am not a lazy person but I just feel I am not ready enough for everything. Truth be told I wouldn’t be the happiest person right now even if I wore Ralph Lauren, I am surprised by the fact that I am not even worried about how will things be after 2months!!! Have I become one of those person’s who isn’t bothered by anything or I am that person who knows it’s strength and eventually will be ready to take charge only to secure everything that’s important to her and more. I have always wanted to be out there talking to the world putting across my point of view which is fresh as water but right now all I can think of is that I am healing and I want to be on the backfoot. I am not ready, but the question is when will I be ready? There are few insecurities that I am dealing with or some feeling that I am just trying and learning to manage including my instincts, I am trying to built a dream this time before starting again. I want to know if I really hate kids, if I’d settle for doing a mediocre life full of love, care and happiness. It’s true that your emotional quotient builds everything around you. Over past few months I have lost a lot of emotions. I have learnt how to deal with them. I am acknowledging my shortcomings and I am getting better each day and realising that sometimes it’s better to come to a halt only to bounce back better than before. Your boat stays by the dock until you aren’t ready, waiting for you ❤️