My #DilBechara Stuck in memories #SushantSingh

Dear Sushant,

Losing you felt like I lost someone of my own, you seemed so close.. I don't even watch movies as much.. but you seemed like ours..

Sushant you made me feel all over again when I thought I could never feel all that..

Just finished watching Dil Bechara..

It was a difficult one.. specially because it was so close.. just so close to my heart because I lost someone really close to me to cancer..

He suffered for sometime, looked into my eyes and told me he has cancer and I just let all that process in a blink of an eye..

He was all fine, taking chemo.. alternate random nights sneaking out of his house to grab a beer with me, go for a drive with me.. He made sure he made so many memories.. In pain.. he laughed.. always..

Midnight ice cream trips.. I remember taking my birthday cake to his house because he couldn't come out, I didn't realise how sick he was but he was my biggest cheerleader ..

We went on this road trip with friends and I sat right behind the driver's seat, shoved my foot in the little space between seat and seat belt.. while he drove, I placed my foot on his thigh and he rubbed my foot occasionally, we had very rare moments of intimacy.. He was my soulmate..

From helping me pick a dress to making a decision for me.. he was there always.

He made me feel that all the stress that I have in life will be fine.. I didn't know how but I knew it will all be fine.. I never realised it then but now I know he was so important..

He did teach me how to live my life..

We made plans, we travelled.. we had so much fun.. He irritated me just so much all the time.. we made plans how we'd go out on dates.. how things will be different.. and then we planned to go out partying for the weekend and on Thursday I remember his cancer relapsed.. The irony of this entire situation is that his Blood cancer type was 95% curable yet he suffered for months.. He refused to meet us all..

He sent me pictures of him from the hospital and then we did go to see him.. He was in the sensitive ICU room of Lilavati.. I had to cross so many sick people to reach to him, so many people most of them were old and suffering and he was there a young 23year old.. I entered the room with a mask on.. I trembled.. I could hear him breathe in the room it was loud and to me it sounded painful.. I couldn't say anything but I promised his mom that I will speak to him I just said 'Get better, we got things to do, we got to party'..

I couldn't stand there one more minute.. I came back and his mother looked at me and I felt helpless.. just so helpless..

3months after this he was home, we met him it was around my birthday.. he probably didn't want us to see him suffer like that but we hoped and prayed that he gets better but I believe he was in more pain than I could imagine..

He was trying to smile and be there in the moment like he always taught us.. like he always did..

2months from this day.. I got a call, I was at work.. my shift was getting over and my life fell apart.. 'He is no more' it was 16days before his birthday.. 10th of Jan 2019..

I didn't know what to do.. everything became just so numb and I could hear my heartbeat standing there I cried.. I held myself and realised I lost one more person who meant the world to me.. I didn't know the intensity of my relationship until this moment.. We all ran to just get to see him for one last time..

We ran through traffic, we ran through everything.. just to see him for one last time.. but he was gone.. I sat outside the creamation ground while all the boys went inside.. I sat on the footpath and cried.. only to think how life will be now on..

Just like that a person who was showering us all with glitter became a memory.. I never knew how much he meant to me for a very long time.. and each time that I see things that remind me of what and how I have lost.. I feel bad all over again..

Things could have been different .. I could have been different.. He knew he wouldn't be here for long because he was tired of fighting but he told me to never give up..

I could have watched this movie with him today only to celebrate his win on this condition, we would have had Budweiser magnum he hated it and I loved doing what he hated..

If Sushant was alive today I would have written to him, met him, hugged him tight.. and just stayed right there.. for sometime..

But here I am just writing this piece..

Each moment pierced my heart for the moments that I lived and for the moments that Sushant said that are now true..

I just hope they are both at a happy place now..

Driving justice for you is a motive now because for him I live everyday and for you we'd get justice and remember you.. ❤️