Friendship and Me in 2020

How do you know you still have friends when they stop checking in on you?

You have to yell and establish that you aren't fine, do you still have friends?

Is it not okay to expect a friendship in the way that you offer it? The world is full of contradictory people including all of us. Today I decide to quit anyone who doesn't bring me the energy that I deserve, who doesn't offer me the warmth that I give them.. Each time that I try to talk it out they'd all be defensive and come up with their set of valid excuses but then it's for me to decide now that I don't want to invest my energy in this anymore..

These are the same set of friends whose work you may promote, whose personality you may promote but they wouldn't do shit to promote either of the things that you can do.. and above anything else they don't even check on you inspite of you establishing that you are not fine..

I get it that people have their own lives I get it that everyone is living a mess but I would choose friends who are better than this.. People who would be there because I have been there.. no matter what..

I have lived my life way too differently than anyone of them and my basic expectation is that they'd check on me once in a while because that's what and who I thought my guardians are..

I have spoken to people late at night because I was putting their insecurities to sleep.. I have had friends who ran behind me to tell me that my insecurities mean something to them and that they would do anything to make me feel better but I lost them to the universe..

I know being reliant on people to feel better in life is something that isn't a good way of dealing with life but I also think if friendship is just about partying once in a week/Month?

Just distracting yourself for a couple of hours and going back to being depressed.??

Do you still have friends when you don't feel like talking to them anymore because they could not afford to remove 5mins for you? For people that they claim to be want to stay close to FOREVER?

Is it okay to randomly say I love you and not mean it... Maybe it is okay.. but to me it is not.. I give more than I receive and it's my choice to do so..

Is it okay that I don't want to do it anymore, and if nobody noticed how silent you have become do you still have friends?

Does friendship only mean that your equation with people doesn't change even after you met them after years, is it about the way they made you feel and the way you are still going to feel.. carefree.. in those moments of friendship? Only to go back to feeling what you constantly feel..

Is friendship only a space to be distracted from all that you feel?

What is friendship?

To me it has always meant something more than my love for a man, sometimes more than my love for my family, always an anchor for the ones drowning..

I may have been a bad friend too, but what if I want to change it to wanting exactly the kind of energy that I give..

I want to talk about my feelings and not what I am going through, I didn't pick my family but I will pick my friends..